


Multiple Choice

by Minnow_53



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Boys In Love, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:08:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26695054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minnow_53/pseuds/Minnow_53
Summary: The Marauders and Lily do a wizarding Sex Education test.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 49





	Multiple Choice

**Author's Note:**

> First published on LiveJournal 1/6/05. Thanks to Asterie for the beta.

_Wizarding Sex Education Test  
Please answer ONE essay and ONE multiple choice question._

*

 _Name_ : Sirius Black  
_Class_ : 6 Gryffindor

_Question 1: Describe the courtship rituals between a witch and a wizard._

You must be joking! I’ve sat at the back of the classroom for seven weeks listening to you drone on about reproduction and bloodlines, and you haven’t once mentioned ‘courtship rituals’. You told us a story about your cousin who married a Muggle and had six children. The one where the bride’s father lost his wand and found it in the wedding cake. Is that it? Only, I don’t see where the ritual comes in.

It didn’t involve feathers, did it?

Anyway, I’m not remotely interested, because I don’t really like witches. I like other wizards. Well, one other wizard. I won’t name him, to spare us all embarrassment, but he’s directly in front of me in class. We decided not to sit next to each other for this subject, to avoid any awkwardness. We certainly don’t want to let on that we already know all about wizarding sex! Besides, I’d be very tempted to do bad things to him in lessons, and we’d both get expelled, and my parents would hex me, and his would get really angry and probably disown him.

I can’t say we exactly had ‘courtship rituals’, so I can only answer the question very obliquely. What happened was I really, really fancied him, but didn’t realise it, which is pretty weird, because you’d think I’d have twigged. Well, you’re the expert on sex. You know all about circulation and blood flow and so on. 

The point is, he always had an unfortunate effect on me, and for ages I didn’t understand why. I kept thinking I was making a mistake, and that perhaps I wasn’t looking at him but at the gorgeous blonde beside him. If there _was_ a gorgeous blonde beside him, that is, which happened once or twice. It seemed weird for one of my friends to really turn me on like that. Then, I decided it was just my age. You know, when you’re sixteen anything turns you on, right? So whenever I saw him, I tried to think about naked girls, and pretend they were causing the problem, not him. 

I digress. So, I really fancied this other wizard. I tried to distract myself by going out with witches. Actually, are those the ‘courtship rituals’ you’re talking about? Because what I did was ask them for a date, say to Hogsmeade. I’d take them to Gladrags to check out the latest fashions, because Potter says that’s what girls like to do, and to the Three Broomsticks to buy them a Butterbeer. Then, I’d spot the wizard I really fancy, sitting with my other mates at a table nearby, so I’d go over to see how he was doing, and get into a conversation, and often, by the time I remembered the witch, she’d have wandered off with a friend. They always have friends, don’t they? They hunt in pairs, with handbags.

This wizard I like has a schoolbag, but that’s it! He’s not at all effeminate, though he is actually very beautiful. I don’t want to say more or you’ll guess who he is. 

Anyway, to answer the question, I’d imagine a witch and wizard would go out together and have a drink, rather like I do with my boyfriend, and then go home and shag each other senseless. We do that too, though not quite like witches and wizards. Possibly, it doesn’t count as a ritual.

Oh, yes, flowers. He’d give her a bunch of flowers. I remember that bit now!

_Multiple Choice: Question 10._

_Does the term ‘erection’ refer to a) a building b) the physiological reaction of a wizard in the presence of a pretty witch c) both?_

In my case, it’s just the building, actually. Because pretty witches leave me cold, like I told you. Well, not quite cold. Lukewarm. 

I first noticed this a while ago, when I went out with a pretty witch. (See my answer to ‘courtship rituals’, above.) Potter, who sits next to me, told me to ‘give her one for me’, because he’s in love with a girl I shall call Carnation, who doesn’t like him. 

This witch was all over me, because I’m a very handsome bloke, as everyone would agree. I tried to kiss her, but it wasn't easy. I focused on Potter wanting to do things with Carnation, but no way in hell! 

So I closed my eyes and thought about the friend of mine I really like, and it wasn’t so bad. But it wasn’t great, because this girl kept interfering: she smelled all wrong and was way too soft everywhere. So I went back up to the common room to find him, and he was sitting in a big heap in front of the fire, shivering, because he’s always freezing, even in summer. Though I don’t leave him cold like the witches leave me, ha ha.

Anyway, he was looking so gorgeous I had to go and put my arms round him and see if he would inspire the ‘physiological reaction’ you talk of in your question. He was a bit shocked at first, but had an equally physiological reaction, so that was fine. We went on to snog for a bit, and the rest of the details are personal, okay? 

Actually, I have this fantasy that I open a ~~wank mag~~ pornographic magazine and there he is without any robes on, staring up from the page at me with wide eyes, and pouting like he does when he can’t have his own way. Naturally, if it happened, I’d hit the roof, because I don’t want anyone but me to see him. Still, it’s a just a fantasy. But it could come true ~~I wish!~~ because he’s poor, unlike me, and needs the money. 

I can easily imagine him in a centrefold. He’s a quite thin in real life, thin and gangly, if I’m being really honest, but the camera would fill in just the right amount, so ~~Remus~~ he’d looked lean and wonderful and long-limbed.

Well, he does anyway. Except he’d be tanned as well. Shit, where was I? Oh, right, multiple choice. Hope these answers are okay, Professor Bates.

*

 _Name_ : James Potter  
_Class_ : 6 Gryffindor

_Question 2: What happens when a wizard and a witch really like each other?_

Hollow laugh here, mate! Does any witch really like any wizard? You could have fooled me! The only couple getting off round here are my two best friends, but I won’t name them, because they could sue me. I can tell you that when two wizards really like each other, the dorm is deathly quiet at night, except for Pettigrew rattling on in his sleep about tigers and Boggarts. The reason for this is the Privacy Charm around ~~Remus’s~~ my friend’s bed.

I try to imagine that it’s ~~Evans~~ a girl I like and me behind the curtains, with the charm, having it off right, left and centre. Like those two. I mean, why would anyone want to do stuff with another bloke? Beats me. And why won’t she like me? I’d do anything for her. I even stopped hexing ~~Snivellus~~ another student at the school when she asked me. 

So what happens indeed? You tell _me_ , Professor!

_Multiple Choice: Question 3._

_An erogenous zone is a) a part of the body that produces sexual arousal b) an area on the Muggle map of the London Underground c) both._

Both? I dunno. I know it’s the first. I like to imagine that this girl I fancy has lots of erogenous zones, but obviously I’m not going to be the one to discover them, am I? She has lovely ~~boobs~~ breasts. I gather that some girls like you to stroke their breasts, but it doesn’t look like I’ll ever find out, does it?

*

 _Name_ : Peter Pettigrew  
_Class_ : 6 Gryffindor 

_Question 3: What is the etiquette for telling a witch you fancy her/ a wizard you fancy him? (Answer according to whether you’re a witch or a wizard.)_

Did we do this in class? I don’t remember. I know two wizards who fancy each other, but that isn’t etiquette. I think it’s sick and unnatural, but ~~Potter~~ a friend says I’m not to make a big deal of it or I’ll only encourage them.

Not that they need much encouragement. I wrote home to my Mum about it, but ~~Sirius~~ one of the wizards read the letter over my shoulder, sneaky bastard, and made me tear it up or he’d jinx me so I’d never be able to have it off with a witch.

Oh, is that the answer to the question? I just thought, do you tell the witch you want to sleep with her? Because you would if you fancied her, wouldn’t you? These wizards I know sleep together all the bloody time, and honestly, I’m sometimes tempted to tell Professor McGonagall and get them expelled.

Right. My answer is this: The wizard would say to the witch, ‘I fancy you,’ and/or the witch would say to the wizard, ‘I fancy you.’ But would a witch say it first? Now I’m confused.

_Multiple Choice: Question 6._

_Love is a) a wonderful feeling of affection for another person b) another term for zero or nought c) both._

None of the above. Love is like when you fall in love, but I think it’s something mainly girls do. But I’m not sure. I never fell in love. Those two blokes I mentioned act as if they really like each other, though. 

I’m sorry, I don’t have a clue.

*

 _Name_ : Remus Lupin  
_Class_ : 6 Gryffindor

_Question 4: Write a brief summary of everything you have learned during the course of this Wizarding Curriculum subject, with appropriate diagrams if necessary._

I am going to write this answer with reference to a hypothetical couple, whom I shall refer to by the initials R and S. This couple are going through one of the phases you mentioned in Lesson 5, the homosexual phase. I believe you said, and I quote, ‘This is an uncommon but not unknown transitional phase during adolescence’. 

Their experience has encompassed many of the behaviours you have mentioned as standard between a witch and a wizard.

To enumerate:

Lesson 1, Courtship rituals: The buying of a firewhisky (small) plus an ice cream cone in Hogsmeade, followed by ~~snogging~~ kissing in an alleyway. A lot of witches and wizards do that as well, but more publicly. Unlike a witch, though, I have to say that ~~I~~ R doesn’t consider one measly drink and a plain vanilla cornet without a flake sufficient payment for sexual favours. Only kidding! :D

Gifts as Part of the Courtship Ritual (Lesson 2).

I missed that lesson, but can imagine the sort of thing. Like my friend and this girl, L. He’s always buying her little trinkets, a charm bracelet, for instance, with real charms. S is really good about that, or would be if he existed. R gets sick sometimes, and S goes and buys him truckloads of chocolate and Zonko’s tricks and so on. Not to mention the really amazing map of every wizarding community in Britain. 

The Declaration: in Lesson 3, you told us that a declaration of affection was required if witches and wizards were going to ~~have it off~~ sleep together. I got the impression that you were referring to witches who complain that their boyfriends have no respect for them.

R and S differ from the norm in that they don’t need declarations before shagging each other. In fact, they would probably be really embarrassed about having to declare their undying love all the time, even though they may really like each other. One of them definitely likes the other, but doesn’t know how the other feels. Of course, they are imaginary, and only exist for the purposes of getting a high mark on the test, so maybe real wizards in transitional phases are more forthcoming.

I suppose that it would go something like this: R would come out and say, quite openly, that he loved S, but of course in ten years’ time they would both be married to girls, so it shouldn’t be a problem. S would say that didn’t matter because he adored R forever and ever. 

Sex. In Lesson 4, you told us about the rudiments of sex. Well, I think it was the rudiments, because I don’t know anything about witches, either hypothetically or in real life. There was a lot about inserting bits into other bits, and ~~Pettigrew~~ some people got the giggles and were given detentions, and the lesson ended in chaos.

My fictitious couple, R and S, haven’t gone quite that far yet. Because it’s rather confusing and hard to explain, I assume the ‘diagram’ mentioned in the question would be one of a witch and wizard having sex, to give you some idea of what happens. But unfortunately I can only draw two wizards, and I have a feeling that may not be appropriate, so you will have to imagine the witch and wizard for yourself.

Lesson 5, Aberrations and Phases. This lesson is germane to my hypothesis, so I will not go into it again.

Contraception. This was also discussed in Lesson 5, and it’s how witches avoid getting pregnant. R and S don’t have that problem, though one of the ~~Slytherins~~ other students told me there is something called ‘M-Preg’ where a wizard can get pregnant. In that case, I shall be researching _Wandwork for Women_ a bit more carefully. I don’t know how this can happen, because we haven’t covered it in the lesson. 

I mean, that is a terrible thought. I can just imagine R or S having to break the news. ‘Um, excuse me, we’re going to have a replica.’ ‘You bloody idiot, can’t you remember even the simplest spell?’ I suppose the robes would come in useful here.

Fantasies as a sexual aid (Lesson 6).

I missed this lesson. But my friends told me that you spoke about how some wizards read magazines with photos of naked witches in them, for stimulus. There are probably alternative magazines for minority groups that my examples would read, or rather look at. 

I hope they weren’t pulling my leg about the magazines!

You talked about fantasies, but omitted to mention the transitional group in that lesson. Or in any lesson except the fifth, really. My hypothetical wizards have fantasies too. Well, I should think they probably fantasise about each other. We have a friend who spends his time mooning over a beautiful girl, L. ~~Again.~~ He imagines her in pink frilly underwear, or so he told us once when we caught him reading a lingerie catalogue. 

Orgasms, discussed in the last lesson. I have to say that it would be quite hard from your description to recognise what exactly goes on, beyond some physical reactions. For anyone in a transitional phase, orgasms are a very pleasant experience. In this lesson you said, and I quote, ‘The function of the orgasm is to perpetuate wizarding kind.’ I can’t really comment on that. 

We have also learned that orgasms are different for witches. That makes sense, because they are built differently, aren’t they? 

_Multiple Choice, Question 4._

_An ejaculation is a) a cry of surprise b) an emission of semen c) both._

c). Actually, they would tend to go together, wouldn’t they? Still hypothetically, of course.

*

 _Name_ : Lily Evans  
_Class_ : 6 Gryffindor

 _Question 9: Define the word ‘erotic’ and its meaning for witches and wizards in general._

I can define what erotic is _not_ : is big-headed Quidditch players who stroll round the school as if they own it. They represent the antonym (opposite) of erotic for me.

What I find erotic are pretty boys in love. We have a couple of them in Gryffindor Tower, and all the girls think they’re cute. It’s such a pity they’re only going through a phase, as mentioned in the lesson on Transitional Aberrations.

They look really good together, and a friend of mine is quite eager for us to convert them back to being straight. ~~With us!~~ We've tried stalking them, but unfortunately there is this arrogant ‘I am God’s gift to women’ person stalking me, so we usually end up going round in circles.

We stumble into them sometimes, in dark corners, kissing and gazing into each other’s eyes. Wow. I go weak just thinking about it. 

_Multiple Choice, Question 2._

_A period is: a) a witch’s monthly affliction b) a certain amount of time c) both._

c). ~~A bloody nuisance.~~

**End**


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